Protecting

God is THE PROTECTOR! He states that nothing can separate us from Him. It is His nature. He does it Perfectly, Consistently without ceasing.  He protects us from the consequences of our completely self destructive nature. Without him we are completely defenseless, unprotected. With Him we are the victors, more that conquerors. If this is what our Father God does through Jesus the Groom then as imitators of Him, this is what we are to do also in our marriage. God parallels marriage to the relationship of the church to Him. It is of divine design!!

When we follow our scripts (or scripture) we will provide protection to one another and ourselves. That was God’ purpose, to help us protect our vulnerabilities. Read this section of scripture and meditate on the truth and action of protection.

Ephesians 21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Don’t Say A Word

Don’t Say A Word!

Without words, what can be done today that send love messages to your partner? Sincere actions that mean something to your loved one that show care, value, or forethought. Most communication is non verbal. What can you do quietly that will speak loudly of love to your significant other?

Researchers* say that about 7% is comuunicatins is words, 38% through vocal quailities or aspects, and 55% through non verabas aspects such as posture, gestures, and facial expressions. Begin to make a mental list of things to do that shout love. Deeds that speak devotion, care, consideration, thoughtfulness, or meaning to your partner. Since most communication is non verbal, what demonstrates love and prevents the rut of “reactionary-ism” or negative assumptions about each other’s thoughts and/or feelings.

How many times has your partner responded before a word was spoken? This can be good or bad. Bad when our communication keeps getting stuck in a swirl of hurtful words or attitudes. Good when our actions promote warmth and understanding of each other. Solution communication can be learned, used, and grown. Seek and find solutions to the misunderstandings through conscientious efforts to improve the love and warmth in relationships with actions of kindness.

Obvious nonverbal acts of love include serving and anticipating the needs, wants, desires of the body, mind, and spirit. For instance, I start the day with an act of love by making my best friend /wife a cup of tea, which I enjoy doing as an act of care, but acts of love go far beyond this example. It’s the unexpected touch, the pause, the affirmation, or eye contact with a sincere smile. Helping without being asked in the daily tasks of living is a beautiful message of support and teamwork.

We are beckoned in I John 3:18,” Let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions…”

Take some action and put motion in your plan. Choose to throw those underwear in the hamper, throw the trash in the can, close the cabinet doors, make food on a plate instead of the counter, open the door for each other, randomly pick a flower and give it to your loved one with a reassuring hug, stand behind your partner and rub their shoulders or massage their head, lightly touch their face, look deeply into their eyes when it is obvious the distraction of TV/computer could be absorbing every ounce of our human focus and energy, or pick up a treat at the store. Surprise efforts regardless of how small may mean loads.

What deposits love into the account of each other’s love bank? Study your partner to determine what would mean more than imaginable. Remember, “Don’t say a word!” Yoda’s challenge: “Try not, DO!!”

* Dr. Albert Mehrabian

For Better or Worse

“He was a sergeant major in the Russian army, thirty-six years old.  He was stationed in Angola, a long way from home.  His wife had come out to visit him.

On August 24, South African military units entered Angola in an offensive against the Black Nationalist guerillas taking sanctuary there.  At the village of N-Giva, they encountered a group of Russian soldiers.  Four were killed and the rest of the Russians fled—except for Sergeant Major Pestretsov.  He was captured, as we know because the South African military communique’ said: “Sgt. Major Nicolai Petretsov refused to leave the body of his slain wife, who was killed in the assault on the village.”

It was as if the South Africans could not believe it, for the communique’ repeated the information.  “He went to the body of his wife and would not leave it, although she was dead.”

How strange.  Why didn’t he run and save himself ?  What made him go back?   Is it possible that he loved her?   Is it possible that he wanted to hold her in his arms one last time?  Is it possible that he needed to cry and grieve ?

It’s possible.  We don’t know.  Or at least we know for certain.   But we guess.  His actions say it all.

And so he sits alone in a south African prison.  Not a “Russian” or “Communist” or “soldier” or “enemy” or any of those categories.  Just-a-man who cared for just-a-woman for just-a-time more than anything else.

Here’s to you, Nicolai Pestretsov, wherever you may go and be, for giving powerful meaning to the promises that are the same everywhere; for dignifying that covenant that is the same in any language—“for sickness and in health, to love and honor and cherish unto death, so help me God.”  You kept the faith; kept it bright—kept it shining.  Bless You!!”  (excerpt from All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum, pgs. 29-31, 1988).

So today we pray: Lord show us the beauty and value of commitment and covenant.   Give us the love that makes us want to go back.

Listening

God the  Father said to Jesus’  disciples on the mountain at the transfiguration..”this is my son, listen to him”.  We never understand until we listen.  The Father wasn’t trying to get the disciples to hear words but to know the “person” who was giving the message.

When couples learn to hear the heart of their partner,  they come in touch with the person.  Most of the marriage counseling I do directs people how to hear the heart of their partner.   Couples react to words and miss the heart message inside the words.    What are they really saying?  It’ communication yes, but it’s far bigger that communication.  It’s two people becoming one.   We have one purpose, to love as Jesus loves.     Jesus said that “they may be one with me as I am one with You”.  We Have to learn how to listen.    Today I / We will practice listening to my partner so that when stress happens,

I will be practiced.

We Pray

Father, Help me to hear beyond words but what the heart is saying.

Protection

Protection is what God does most and best. He protects us from the consequences of our completely self destructive nature.   Without him we are completely defenseless.  With Him we are the victors, more that conquerors.   If this is what … Continue reading →

Listening, How To..

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It’s easy to say listen.   Teaching people to listen often takes longer than what people think it should…but not that long.   Listening requires self restrain on the part of the listener.   The problem is when I listen I usually get triggers that interrupt my logic and  and intellect.   When my triggers get hit my adrenaline kicks in.  When my adrenaline kicks in my ability to think and reason go away because my spirit and brain chemistry says,   RUN!!!,  FREEZE!!,.. FIGHT!!!   Not much listening happening at that point.   What gets couples beyond this is gaining confidence that they will also be listened to.    But it usually  must be practiced and proven first.   It helps to have assistance.  there are some very specific skills to learn and practice. I protect my spouse from myself by listening.   I help my spouse listen to me by my listening to them.   Both spouses must have the mindset of “it starts with me”.